Friday, July 18, 2003

An Immodest Proposal

The popularity of the National Do Not Call List (60 million Americans are expected to sign up) has led some telemarketing trade associations to point out that the resulting loss of tens of thousands of entry-level telemarketing jobs will be a body blow to the already staggering American economy.

Now, I have to admit that I signed up for that list myself. But I also have a lot of sympathy for low-income people who are struggling to make it; I'm one of them, basically. Come to think of it, I once interviewed for a telemarketing job myself when I was young. So here's my modest suggestion to alleviate the problem: why not start a national program to retrain all telemarketers as prostitutes?

It's almost Biblical: force the people who have irritated so many to instead bring pleasure to millions. Overall public health would probably improve as people gain the benefit of more easily available sex (less stress! More orgasms!). And prostitutes make more money than telemarketers, so the tax base would increase. At the same time, most prostitutes aren't in a high enough tax bracket to benefit much from the Bush Administration's tax cuts. Another savings.

Changing over the industry would be fairly straightforward. A set of local boards could be set up nationwide to judge the attractiveness and potential earning power of every worker. Deficient individuals would be sent for complete makeovers, with the cost to be deducted from their future earnings. Seriously unattractive workers could get low-interest government loans to pay for plastic surgery and body enhancement.

Since the ratio of males to females in the telemarketing industry may not match the need for female versus male prostitutes, some individuals would probably also need to undergo sex change operations. These operations would also be fundable via government loans (the money for this program could be diverted from something unimportant, like Head Start or the EPA).

Since some telemarketers are actually prisoners, converting them to prostitutes would alleviate unpleasant living conditions in jail; not that anyone in jail deserves less unpleasant conditions, but since they're all raping each other anyway, at least it would be less overtly homosexual if some of them were turned into women. Another advantage: the regendered prisoners couldn't possibly reproduce!

Another possible option...well, this may be too visionary. But down the road, once the rage of the American people against telemarketers has subsided, perhaps selling could be combined with prostitution. I can see it now. Get a blow job and change your long-distance company! Go around the world and get new aluminum siding! Have a hand job and refinance your house! The possibilities are endless.

Some may have noticed one key group which has been left out of my proposal: telemarketing company executives. But the answer is obvious with only a moment's thought.

They'd be the pimps, of course.

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